Frequently Asked Questions
What is Siblings Far?
The Siblings Far Web site provides some information that may be useful for parents of internationally adopted children who have found or suspect that they have found a biological sibling or twin. We don’t have all the answers; these are some suggestions that we are posting for your information and further research, and may be useful or informative for you to read.
As more material is contributed to us from our members or our research, we’ll pass it on. This is not a registry to find children for people.
What is the Sister Far/Sibling Far Yahoo Group? And can I join?
Sister Far is a private discussion group on Yahoo Groups. The discussion group is not accessable through this Web site. Approved members who have joined the Yahoo group discuss many issues, including DNA testing and the emotional and social aspects of raising biological siblings in different homes. Membership is restricted so that people can talk freely with each other. If you think that you meet the criteria to join the Sibling/Sister Far Yahoo Group, visit the Yahoo Groups Sister Far web site and click Join. You will be sent a questionaire that must be emailed back to the group owner prior to your being accepted into the group.
We welcome new members who have found a child that you think may be a sibling to your child. Membership is restricted and must be approved by the moderator. You must have at least identified a specific child that is known or you suspect may be a sibling to your child. You do not have to have contacted this family, but you do need to have identified a speciic child in order to meet the membership requirements.
I think that it’s possible that my child has a sibling. How can I find my child’s sibling(s)?
Currently the only way families are finding other siblings is because they have found a “lookalike” child, usually from the same orphanage and the same age. The vast majority of these have been found by a remarkable coincidence, and not by any kind of search. Two sets of parents adopting same-age kids at the same time from the same orphanage will notice that their new children are the mirror image of each other, for instance.
The parents will suspect something, and stay in touch, and find that their children are coming up with other significant similarities, one after another. As they trade more stories and pictures, they begin to wonder if the kids really could be siblings…
Do not expect positive results from any search, or that similar-seeming children are actually related. Looks are only one possible indicator of a connection; there are many more.
For China, you can join any of the China Adoption Yahoo groups or the Province Sibling Find Groups that you are eligible for and look through the photo section and see if there are any photos that look like your child. You can also look through any other publication that contains photos of adopted children.
In addition, there is an organization called Kinsearch that is developing a DNA database registry for children (and adults) from China, Russia, Korea and Guatemala. The database hopes to match registrants to biological relatives. In addition, there is the China DNA Project that is investigating the possibility of setting up a DNA registry. No registry will guarantee results.
Should I (or shouldn’t I) look for a sibling?
This is a decision that each family needs to make for themselves.
First and foremost, searches for a sibling are, without some solid leads, going to be very difficult. Don’t expect results.
Many siblings of adopted children may exist, but still be in their birth country, or not look that much like your child. Fraternal twins may look very similar or very different. It is also possible that if a sibling of your child is in your country and similar in looks, that child may never appear in a public picture or enter a registry system.
Second: If you were to actually get lucky enough to find your child’s sibling, you have to think about what sort of things would be involved in that discovery, and what it means you, your family and the other family.
We’ve used the term ‘twin-laws’ to refer to the other family in such a situation. It fits.
This is a long term commitment. You do not get to choose the family that has adopted your child’s sibling. It may or may not be a compatable match between the households. Once you’ve made the connection, you can’t go back and pretend not to “know”. How would your child feel if they have a great relationship with their sibling, but the parents do not get along or agree to keep them in contact?
You have to think about how you would maintain the relationship – and it could be that the kids don’t really have a bond with each other and aren’t that interested in each other.
There are significant financial and lifestyle concerns with finding a sibling. If they bond, the siblings will want to spend as much time together as possible – up to and including moving next door to hang out with their sibling as best pals. This will mean they will want or need to have trips to see their sibling and be with them; this will take a good deal of vacation time, trouble and money, and telling the kids no can become emotional and difficult.
You may have other children, or your child’s sibling may have other siblings. How will you meld the two familes together, and make sure that the other kids deal with each other well?
DNA testing is not an exact science when it comes to establishing siblingship when you can not test at least one biological parent. You need to be able to live with less than 100% conclusive results and accept negative results with grace.
Also, think long and hard before you tell your child about such a search or your suspicions that they may have a sibling – until and unless both families are pretty sure about it. Yes, the bond between the children, if it comes about, can be a huge source of joy to them and a very worthwhile thing for the rest of their lives. But you never want to raise hopes or hurt the kids.
I’ve found a child that I think could be biologically related. Now what do I do?
If you haven’t already made contact with the other family, you can email, snail mail or phone, whatever is most comfortable for you. Often times, email is an easy non-threatening way to make the first contact. You can always follow up with a phone call.
When you compose your letter (or prepare for your phone call), try to maintain a “curious” tone. Be non-threatening. Provide some information on your child’s history: province, orphanage, birthdates, abandonment stories, behavioral characteristics. Be sure to mention any medical conditions that could be genetic: cleft issues, thalassemia, etc. Attach photos. It’s best to use a wide variety of photos, various ages, poses, studio photos and snapshots. Include a video clip if possible.
In the end, if everything checks out you could advance to DNA testing. DNA testing for siblingship is not an exact science. Read the DNA FAQ for more information.
Remember, DNA results can be inconclusive. Think of DNA as a piece of the puzzle. Other pieces of the puzzle are personal history, behavioral characteristics, looks and intuition. Look at all the pieces and decide what makes the most sense given ALL the data.
If the other family is uncertain about this, or isn’t interested in contact, DO NOT PUSH. Many adoptive parents do not want that sort of intrusion in their lives, and you should not try to force the matter.
Additional FAQ’s